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I don't usually mind
about what they think of me.
But in those moments
I know they can't see.

I am not brilliant,
Wonderful or wise,
But sometimes I wish
they'd think otherwise.

And when I'm left alone,
and everyone is gone,
I know nothing will change,
No one will pick up the phone.

National Noam Freaks Out Month

November is going to be a very, very busy month. Not only I am planning to dedicate every free minute I have to the project of NaNoWriMo, it also seems I won't have a lot of those. A school project that have to produce a product this month, about six exams I don't want to fail, and on top of that all, I have military and something that is like a gap year, only in my country. Did I mention I have work? I still want to start driving lessons soon, and it ain't a cheap matte, and maybe start saving up for moving to England. How can all of this even get in one single month?! I have never been that busy. How do I manage?

The End of Me

And if I'll go,
You will not know
What was the end of me.

Was she strong enough?
Was she even tough?
You'll ask in agony.

And if she was not,
was it a shot?
Through the heart or the head?

Or maybe a pill,
Or an auto-mobile?
Is she already dead? 

Believing in Hope

A smart friend told me once to write my feelings whenever I get upset, so this is what I wrote. Enjoy.

Hopes are evil things. They make you all excited towards something you can't wait for, and then they almost always break in your face. There is nothing as painful as a hope that was shattered to pieces. My hope, the biggest hope I have ever had, had been crushed in my face, as if it was a plate or a vase, and I couldn't do anything but bleed and cry. I know I have to gather the pieces and move on, but even the slightest thought of what had happened, tears my heart apart  and leaves me to sob in agony. I have never been that miserable, and I had never wanted more than to stop my existence. 
Hope is consider a good and healthy thing, but I must say I lost my faith in it. Almost every time I hope for anything, my expectations are too big, and I am left with my sad reality of emptiness. My dreams will never come true. My heart will only be broken. My family and my life will always disappoint me. My hopes will not be anything but a painful nightmare.     

My biggest fear

When I opened the blog, I had an image in my head of what it will be. I imagined a place I could post some random and creative thoughts I have regulary. But sadly, I had a problem with concentrating recently. I am very nervous toward the next year in school that starts at Monday and happens to be my last year at school. Except the fear of failing and socializing, I am affraid I might lose contact with some of the people I define as my closest friends, that I can only contact through the internet. If you are the only one who follows me at the moment you already know that, but if you are not her then pay attention.

A while ago, at the very beginning of June, I spontaneously joined a group of RP from six fandoms which I was a part of three of them. I was struggling betwen three chracters and after I chose one of them, Rory Williams from Doctor Who, I started RPing, and talking to the other members on chat. After time we got closer and closer to each other, until we got to what we have now. I llove all of them, and I trust most of them with my life and can't wait till the day I'll meet them. I am used to talking to some of them every day, and that's the reason I am affraid. Affraid I won't be able to get on the computer at nights, affraid our connection won't be as tight and we'll eventually stop talking to each other. Affraid I'll stay where I am all my life, after I lost my dear friends. But I don't believe I'll let that happen without a fight. And who knows? It might be better than I ever dared to hope. 

Gay men

Years ago, when I first watched Torchwood without realizing what I was seeing, I saw Jack kissing another Jack. It was the first time I watched two men kiss and I was shocked and, I am ashamed to admit, a bit disgusted.

Since then, the world and I, and it's probably was more me, have changed and grown to understand and even love gay men. Here, I said it. I love gay men. I think they are wonderful and I give gay points in my head to whoever is gay or played gay in a film or a show. I said more than once to one of my friends that I would want to be a man only so I could be a gay man. I didn't ever found myself in a situation where I had feelings toward a gay man, mainly because I don't really know gays except one that I didn't see since I found out he was gay and is older than me in many years, but I wondered more than once if there are women who are only or mainly attracted to gay men. I never looked or checked until yesterday's evening.

I was watching "Ugly Betty", as I tend to do a lot recently, and was being really excited about the new relationship between the usual gay guy on the screen, the beloved Mark, and Cliff, an adorable fat guy who likes good films (And yes, I do know I'm far behind. But I did start watching a week ago and I am close to finish season two, so hush). I was reminded about the thought I had and ran to the computer and checked. I fund on Wikipedia something called Girlfag that sounded good at the beginning until I found out it's mainly transgenders. So now I wonder, mainly because the internet didn't give me good enough answers, are there women, and when I say women I mean biological women who define themselves as women, who are attracted to gay men without it being a psychological problem?

I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, of course. How much that I love gay men and think that they are fabulous, it's a lose lose situation, where you are in love with someone who doesn't and will never love you back. If you are sick of men, try lesbianism. I think I'll try Asexuality for now. 

Hello There

Ever since I can remember myself, I wanted to be a writer. I had a lot of dreams and ambitions since then, but they changed and been replaced more than I can count. But the dream of writing remained and will remain, as it seems,  forever.  I didn't write anything I am very proud of, but I had a lot of fun planning and plotting over the years and especially the last few months. This is the main reason I wanted to open a blog. And I did. Several times. But if you'd know me, you'd know that I have a problem with persisting and continuing writing. But I am determined to change, before it's too late.

And as always, I am late, even when it comes to introducing myself. I am Noam Taylor, or as some people call me, Noam Banawaffle. I am 17 years old, and on the edge of beginning the last year of school. I live in Israel, but British in soul and blood, and my tea can prove it. I had the idea that only interesting people should run blogs, but after being told by several people that I am in fact interesting, I thought I'll give it a shot. Well, if anything can and will make me write more, I am willing to try. I hope anyone will find what I say worth a read.